Everyone knows Ellen DeGeneres is a funny one. She is a talented host and some of her lines are sure to make you laugh.
Here are some of her best punch lines:
"Just go up to somebody on street and say ‘You're it!' and just run away."
"Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off."
"Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
"Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."
"I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises."
"You are never too old to play. You are only too old for low-rise jeans."
"Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write ‘over‘ on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: ‘And so Kathy and I went shopping and we-‘ That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way."
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!‘ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
"People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?‘ Well no, I was an accountant."
"If someone says you're weird, say Thank You."
"I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like ‘shut up, shut up, shut up... blah blah blah blaaaah."
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
"The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble."
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others."
"Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path."
"I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that."
"When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I am past the hard part and there is a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I am concerned."
"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streams in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
The spectacular comedian, animal lover and a talk show host is also on facebook and ellentube.com
